Invisible

Had a generally good day today, so i thought. Started off with a trip to Uni, handed in all marked assignments and then picked up exams to mark...it's not the best part of semester, but hey i get to work from home.

For lunch I met up with Puppet, and his friend Steve, fun was had by all. Puppet even seemed to like his present (forgot to mention it was his Bday). I was meant to meet a friend in the afternoon for coffee. 10mins before she was meant to meet me, she calls and tells me her dad has called her to come into the office to look at some papers. GRRR, this has happened so many times that i sometimes question if she is just a really good lier.

But no, i knew it was true. I felt a mix of anger and sadness. Anger at her for cancelling so late, anger at her for being so submissive and anger at me for not expecting it. The sadness only came later when i realised how difficult her life must be. But the only thing stopping her from freedom is her, she allows it to happen. So there goes that sadness.

I kept on thinking, and it came back to me (it's all about me?). I felt a sense of sadness knowing that she could never tell her father who i was, because i was a man and she was a woman. i am an invisible friend. A friend with few rights, because i didn't exist.

I realised how invisible my life is sometimes, how i hide so many things from so many people for a multitude of reasons. Kate Bush wrote a song called, 'how to be invisible', i think it's about becoming very domestic and removing yourself from the external world. But i feel like i exist so much in the external world, but so much of me is invisible, whether it's me choosing to hide my sexuality to my parents, whether it's me choosing to hide behind my humour. I had made myself invisible.

This invisibility spreads beyond me though, I'm sure my friends and family in turn hide many things from me, and about me. It doesn't stop there; the external environment i live in often erases me from existence. I see no representation of me in media, in politics and in our 'culture'. Nothing, regardless what what these peoples motives were, they had made me invisible.

I am truely invisible and sometimes that is TRUELY DEPRESSING!!!