if you find me racing white horses...

I need to get shit out, so i'm gonna blog!

A lot has happened over the last 6 weekes. I'm still with the same boy, but i'm beginning to forget how his lips feel like, his warm hands and those eyes...he's been away for awhile!

Last time I blogged he was going away for 3 weekes, then came back for less than a week, and told me he was going away for another 3, when in fact it was 6...was not happy about that. But got over it! it's work, we all have to suffer for work! It has been hard though, i feel like i've been deprived of him. I believe no one should be deprived of him, cause he is in one word a fantastic human being.

I think our relationship strengths...though last few weekes there have been some hurdles along the way. First with him not telling me the whole truth about going away (forgiven, not forgotten). Secondly me not telling him I was coming out to my parents...which i did tell him about, but i guess it was a late announcement (but he was one of the first to know?) I dunno! I also found out about his close friendship with his ex, which sunk my ship for awhile cause of such experience with my ex. i.e. My ex used to tell me how great his ex was, and made me feel like 2nd class...not very nice! I doubt that will happen here though, if it does, i'm taken the next boat to singleville, I'll swim if I have to.

Returning to the most significant point...coming out! shizer!!! I have felt atleast a few times over the last couple of weekes that I don't have much mastery over my brain. As it searches every possible outcome and answers and loathes in self pity, I find myself petrififed. I have had a couple of sessions of crying, which is crazy as I never cry! What worries me the most is that the anxiety around coming out cannot be contained within that experience. I have for ages felt like my parents only loved me for the things I did, and never for who I am. Take for example when I came 5th in the state for a scholarship test, and they were so dissappointed I didn't make top 3 that I was told off, and was ignored for the better part of a week (I was 11). So nways, that's just one drop in the ocean.

So coming out is just going to give them enough ammuniation to take me down. Why do I care? cause they are my parents, and as much as we can deny it, we are all influenced by them; listen to Kate Miller-Heidke song 'Mamma'. So i have been feeling a little insecure recently, with the looming of a rejection, will mum and dad cross me off the list, and just have one son from now on? I think this has impacted my relationship, I am thinking stuff i wouldn't even give 2seconds to...like does he really like me for who i am, how long before he gets bored, am i just another boy on the list? It's wrong and I'm putting a stop to it, but it's hard considering I'm coming out in the next week. I hope the post coming out is easier than the pre! May the gay lords be with me!