Sunday, May 27, 2007

The Universe and everything else

How I hate my fleeting emotions. I'm feeling better now, and thinking of this boy who is on an aeroplane somewhere, bopping his head to some music, watching a film, reading a book or a note :-)

The universe brings me many things, good and bad. This is one I'm incredibly grateful for. Ever since i was a kid I wanted to understand the mystery of the universe; why things work the way they do, why good things happen to bad people, and vice versa. I am somewhat closer, but it's like a snail that's crawled 1m, to realise the race goes for a 1km. When good things happen to me i get this paranoia, like something bad is just around the corner, ARRGHHH!!! why must i be so fucked up!!!

I can't keep my eyes open

I just got back from coffee with a friend. He seems to be doing ok, maybe a bit depressed, a bit confused, even questioning his sexuality (ding! dng! ding! the warning bells ring). He wants love, a relationship, the softer things in life...but they never come to you, they come to you in the form of a person, and that person you can't buy, pre order and even choose.

It's been a long week, I'm feeling better about my life direction. I'm almost 100% sure that I will be studying film next year. I have ideas that must eventuate one day, and i'm sick of copping out. I met Ben's parents, that was a nerve wracking expereince, i think i was so tense half the time when i left it was like i just finished a heavy weights session. I liked it though, cause he sat next to me, and to see his face everytime i turned to the side was all I needed. I saw him off at the airport and exchanged pressies. He gave me the nicest card EVER!!! and i sneaked in a little note into his book, he seemed pleased with it :-) The hounds of love are chasing me, woof! woof!

I just finished writing a letter to my mother, which i will edit multiple times I'm sure. It's a coming out letter, I got the idea talking to my friend. I just wanna get it over and done with, I want this fog to lift. I know she will go mad over this, she is the drama queen of the family, she will hurt me more than she knows...I will run, just like always. But this time it's different, my heart is softening, I wanna cry! in fact I am.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

A quickie!

I'm just writing a quick post before heading off to work. Waiting for some home delivered food from mum, she is fantastic when it comes to this stuff. I painted her a mug for mothers day, as a thank you for keeping me from becoming a skinny model.

On other news, I eagerly await the arrival of the books i ordered on Buddhism. I don't have any expectations (as Buddha said that only leads to disappointment) but I'm going to jump into these books all eyes and ears open. I have been building up my own ideas ad philosopies on life, but I think I would like some help; a solid grounding to leap off.

Just sitting here listening to some music and writing, I realise that I haven't spend a lot of time with myself. I have been doing NIDA and ACON regularly, and marking exams/assignments. Of course I now have a BF :-) yay! I can't tell you how much I like him, more than olives and chocolate!