Moth Killer

I just killed a moth, no actually two. I was in my room, trying to catch a couple who'd stumbled across into the light source that was my room. We have had a bit of a moth invasion lately! I've been doing the 'right' thing, once in awhile catching them and letting them out in the garden...that has always been my policy, but there is just so many of them, i'm getting lazy.

Tonight was different though, I kept trying to catch this moth, and unlike most this one was putting up a bit of a fight, in a fit of dsitress it kept flapping all over the place. I would get so close, and then lose it again, I was a bit obsessed at this point...i'm gonna catch you and set you free if it takes all night. I however lost my patience too soon, next thing you know I start trying to swat it down with a t-shirt. I went crazy if...I can't save him, he was going to die. He'd pissed me off, I was trying to break his wings...i succeeded, after a few swots my t-shirt clipped a wing and he went bang onto a wall...

I didnt stop there, I started vacuuming my room, and saw another one, and just pointed the hose right at it...shooosh!!! he was in a dark and dusty place now. Ha! hear me roar!

I wonder what made me go from wanting to help a poor lost creature, to wanting to kill it and anything else that resembled it. Maybe my help comes at a price? Do as you're told or expect consquences. So it begs the question, can I help someone when they test my patience, will I just destroy them because they don't want to be helped. Maybe I should've just walked away!

Climb and Fall

we were on a steep climb
to the top of a mountain
your grabbed my hand and lead me up

It wasn't a mountain i've climbed before
It wasn't something I could do alone

but you pulled
and pulled
and pulled me up

I thought i knew what you were doing
I believed I knew what I was doing

You were the trecker i trusted
You were king of this mountain
oh so i thought

Now we are at the top
oh so i thought
the mountain just seems to get bigger
and bigger


but i'm now liking this climb
I like that your hands
are warm
I like that your grip
is tight

suddenly you stop
suddenly you drop

I got ahead of you
I was running too

now you push
and push
and push me down

I hold on, I can see the top
but you push, now you kick

With mud in my eyes you let me fall
now i roll down this mountain

I'm bruising, I'm bleeding
and I can't stop the stumble

I know if i stop half way down
this mountain
I can never get back up
I can't do it alone

So i continue to fall
and it hurts so much

But I know one day i'll find myself
at the foot of the mountain
and I'll be able to find my feet
find my medicine and heal myself

till the next mountain i climb

if you find me racing white horses...

I need to get shit out, so i'm gonna blog!

A lot has happened over the last 6 weekes. I'm still with the same boy, but i'm beginning to forget how his lips feel like, his warm hands and those eyes...he's been away for awhile!

Last time I blogged he was going away for 3 weekes, then came back for less than a week, and told me he was going away for another 3, when in fact it was 6...was not happy about that. But got over it! it's work, we all have to suffer for work! It has been hard though, i feel like i've been deprived of him. I believe no one should be deprived of him, cause he is in one word a fantastic human being.

I think our relationship strengths...though last few weekes there have been some hurdles along the way. First with him not telling me the whole truth about going away (forgiven, not forgotten). Secondly me not telling him I was coming out to my parents...which i did tell him about, but i guess it was a late announcement (but he was one of the first to know?) I dunno! I also found out about his close friendship with his ex, which sunk my ship for awhile cause of such experience with my ex. i.e. My ex used to tell me how great his ex was, and made me feel like 2nd class...not very nice! I doubt that will happen here though, if it does, i'm taken the next boat to singleville, I'll swim if I have to.

Returning to the most significant point...coming out! shizer!!! I have felt atleast a few times over the last couple of weekes that I don't have much mastery over my brain. As it searches every possible outcome and answers and loathes in self pity, I find myself petrififed. I have had a couple of sessions of crying, which is crazy as I never cry! What worries me the most is that the anxiety around coming out cannot be contained within that experience. I have for ages felt like my parents only loved me for the things I did, and never for who I am. Take for example when I came 5th in the state for a scholarship test, and they were so dissappointed I didn't make top 3 that I was told off, and was ignored for the better part of a week (I was 11). So nways, that's just one drop in the ocean.

So coming out is just going to give them enough ammuniation to take me down. Why do I care? cause they are my parents, and as much as we can deny it, we are all influenced by them; listen to Kate Miller-Heidke song 'Mamma'. So i have been feeling a little insecure recently, with the looming of a rejection, will mum and dad cross me off the list, and just have one son from now on? I think this has impacted my relationship, I am thinking stuff i wouldn't even give 2seconds to...like does he really like me for who i am, how long before he gets bored, am i just another boy on the list? It's wrong and I'm putting a stop to it, but it's hard considering I'm coming out in the next week. I hope the post coming out is easier than the pre! May the gay lords be with me!

The Universe and everything else

How I hate my fleeting emotions. I'm feeling better now, and thinking of this boy who is on an aeroplane somewhere, bopping his head to some music, watching a film, reading a book or a note :-)

The universe brings me many things, good and bad. This is one I'm incredibly grateful for. Ever since i was a kid I wanted to understand the mystery of the universe; why things work the way they do, why good things happen to bad people, and vice versa. I am somewhat closer, but it's like a snail that's crawled 1m, to realise the race goes for a 1km. When good things happen to me i get this paranoia, like something bad is just around the corner, ARRGHHH!!! why must i be so fucked up!!!

I can't keep my eyes open

I just got back from coffee with a friend. He seems to be doing ok, maybe a bit depressed, a bit confused, even questioning his sexuality (ding! dng! ding! the warning bells ring). He wants love, a relationship, the softer things in life...but they never come to you, they come to you in the form of a person, and that person you can't buy, pre order and even choose.

It's been a long week, I'm feeling better about my life direction. I'm almost 100% sure that I will be studying film next year. I have ideas that must eventuate one day, and i'm sick of copping out. I met Ben's parents, that was a nerve wracking expereince, i think i was so tense half the time when i left it was like i just finished a heavy weights session. I liked it though, cause he sat next to me, and to see his face everytime i turned to the side was all I needed. I saw him off at the airport and exchanged pressies. He gave me the nicest card EVER!!! and i sneaked in a little note into his book, he seemed pleased with it :-) The hounds of love are chasing me, woof! woof!

I just finished writing a letter to my mother, which i will edit multiple times I'm sure. It's a coming out letter, I got the idea talking to my friend. I just wanna get it over and done with, I want this fog to lift. I know she will go mad over this, she is the drama queen of the family, she will hurt me more than she knows...I will run, just like always. But this time it's different, my heart is softening, I wanna cry! in fact I am.

A quickie!

I'm just writing a quick post before heading off to work. Waiting for some home delivered food from mum, she is fantastic when it comes to this stuff. I painted her a mug for mothers day, as a thank you for keeping me from becoming a skinny model.

On other news, I eagerly await the arrival of the books i ordered on Buddhism. I don't have any expectations (as Buddha said that only leads to disappointment) but I'm going to jump into these books all eyes and ears open. I have been building up my own ideas ad philosopies on life, but I think I would like some help; a solid grounding to leap off.

Just sitting here listening to some music and writing, I realise that I haven't spend a lot of time with myself. I have been doing NIDA and ACON regularly, and marking exams/assignments. Of course I now have a BF :-) yay! I can't tell you how much I like him, more than olives and chocolate!

He's so cute, He's so fine, He blows...

...my mind (get your mind out of the gutter!). Well once again I've bloody well ignored this blog for ages, but I'm back. I come bearing good news, very very good news!

I've met someone, not someone in a bar, through a friend...but on my MSN list, god knows how he got there, but I'm glad he did...and I'm glad I (we) had the initiative to have coffee the instant he binged me. It was just the right time. I was planning for a lifetime of singledom, thinking gaymen and I were incompatible. I even saved up for a cat :-)

Then out of the blue came this boy, full of smiles, full of laughs, he brought me something I did not expect...Hope!

I want to write about him, but I'll put it best in the words of Kate B 'wow, wow, wow...we think your amazing, we think your fantastic, we think your incredible'...and in my words 'we want you'.

The Sri Lankan War

I just sent off a letter to Connie Levett from SMH for her story on the plight of the Sri Lankan Tamils. It was a 6 page online article; http://www.smh.com.au/news/world/tamil-children-swept-up-as-war-creates-a-new-monster/2007/03/16/1173722744349.html

It was so heart warming to see somene from the Australian media cover an issue from a part of the world thats barely mentioned here. When i read articles like this I sometimes wonder what would have become of me if my parents never moved me here. Would i be running around with a pointless university degree trying to get employed in a country where your name could automatically disqualify you for a job. Would i be part of the LTTE, maybe working in their PR department (ha!) or even brave enough to be a soldier. A doubt my mum would approve of that. But seriously, I miss Sri Lanka so much sometimes, I was lucky enough to grow up in an area not affected by war (besides the occasional suicide bomber). I want to go back sometime, maybe with a purpose.